Kalopsia: The delusion of things being more beautiful than they actually are.


“He tastes new,” was all I could think as I was kissing him.

The way he kissed was so different from you, the way he held me so foreign, his hands on my skin so unexpected.

It was perfect. He tasted of alcohol one minute, I coughed out smoke the next. I kissed away the stray tears, that appeared at the guilt I felt, and I kissed away my worries. I kissed him under the flashing lights and for a moment everything was so unbelievably perfect.

He wasn’t you, and he can never hope to be you. He can’t have my heart the way you do. He can’t make my stomach turn like you do. He may have kissed me breathless, but he could never take away my breath away like you still can.

He was everything I needed as he looked straight into my eyes with such unadulterated lust that I forgot you for a minute. He caressed my hair, and gently stroked my face. His eyes as dark as mine, and with just as much feeling in them. With the music humming in my veins, I found a little relief in his arms.

He tasted of coffee, in the end, addictive and sweet. He was kind, muttering promises that he was going to break and sweet nothings that were empty. My heart pained for a minute at the thought of leaving him, but the next minute he was erased from my mind. Just like I need you to be.

You can call me anything you want to, you can insult me all you want, you can talk about me all you want. You can be hot and cold and accuse me of every crime in the book and I’d still never be able to be mad at you. No matter how perfect the guy in front of me is, my mind will forever be on you.

Because, he may have been perfect, but he wasn’t you.



Sceptical – Not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations


Paranoia pours herself another drink as she listens to what Trust has to say,

“We should tell her what’s happened, share our feelings, it’ll help us feel better in the end.”

Paranoia scoffs, twisting with a swish of her pitch black coat. An eyebrow raised she simply rolled her eyes at Trust’s childishness.

“But will it help us?” Doubt enquires, retouching her blood red lipstick, “Paranoia, tell her it’s not safe,”

“It’s not safe, Trust,” her heels click as she walks over to the sofa, “What about the judgement? What if she decides to leave when she finds out? What if she thinks we’re being clingy and desperate for attention?”

“It’s not worth the heartbreak Trust,” Doubt adds, brushing back Trust’s hair.

“I agree,” Fear says, entering the room, “It’s best we keep to ourselves.”

“I disagree,” Fear jumps as Love pops up behind her choosing to glare at the blonde.

“You’re irrational and blind to any consequences,” Anger pipes up from the corner of the room, her hands continuing to glide along the keys of the piano,” Remember what happened the last time you made decisions around here?”

“Hey! How could she have seen any of that coming?” Trust says.

“Exactly what we’re trying to tell you both,” Paranoia says calmly, “We don’t want any repeats of last time, do we?”

Silence falls over the room while Paranoia takes a sip of her whisky.

“We love her, we trust her, why not tell her?” Love says softly, tears threatening to fall.

Fear sighs and pulls Love into her arms,

“Because we’re scared of what will happen.”

Love simply held onto Fear as tears fell.

“I guess you guys are right,” Trust says, looking over at Doubt and Paranoia, “Last time was a mess, maybe I shouldn’t be making these decisions.”

“Glad you could see that Trust,” Doubt says, laying a manicured hand on her shoulder. Her sharp nails digging into Trust’s shoulder. Paranoia and Fear sighed in relief.

Brushing off her hand, Trust walked out of that room, mumbling excuse me’s. She opened the double doors and walked out as Guilt walked in, glassy-eyed and eerily silent. Her grey gown brushing the floor as she took a seat in the middle of the room.

“Oh no,” Fear said, backing away from Guilt, terror evident in her kohl-rimmed eyes.

“We’re going to have to live with her now,” Love piped up, pouring herself a drink, “Guilt won’t leave until Trust comes back.”

“I guess we are,” Paranoia said gripping her glass a little tighter,”Better get yourself another drink.”


Redamancy – A love returned in full.


How do I say thank you?
The words are too flimsy and light. They’re always thrown around like ‘I’m sorry’.
I need something stronger. I need a phrase stronger than ‘thank you’ to match the intensity of my happiness because of you.
I need something deeper. I need a phrase deeper than ‘thank you’ to match the depth of my affection for you.
After all, you are my best friend.
You’re my everything.
People will come and go. Our scenery will change. We will change, but I’ll never leave. 
I can’t.
You’ve always been such an integral part of my life, that I don’t know what life looks like without you.
And now as I look through the pictures, I have a bitter-sweet feeling and I want those times back. I want those carefree times back. Those ages spent simply laughing, or basking in each other’s company. I want those neverending conversations and unaffected smiles. I want time to stand still just to spend some more time with you.
All I want is more of you.
So how do I say thank you to you?
I show up to your house with coffee, of course.


Jouska: A hypothetical conversation you compulsively play out in your head.


A conversation.

“I love you.”

The most beautiful lie.

“Don’t lie to me.”

A tearful reply, too much emotion.

“I’m not lying.”

Acting comes naturally to some.

“That’s another lie.”

Still too much emotion.

“If that’s what you want to believe then fuck you. I’m done trying to convince you all the time.”

Anger also comes easily.

“Please don’t go.”

Oh fuck. I said that out loud.

Later that night a text message is received

A reply is sent.

Another text received. A goodbye. This time for real.

I sigh.

Here come the tears,

Then the screams.

Then the self-loathing.


It ends the same way, in both reality and fantasy.

With a broken soul,

And a heavy heart.


The five stages of grief.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

I am at stage two.

I am angry, and I hate you for making me go through this.

I hate you for the pain in my chest, and the doubts that have crept back into my mind.

I hate you for making me believe every promise you made.

Funny how you couldn’t keep your promises either.

So fuck you.

Fuck you, for making me fall in love with you, while you were falling out of love.


Blank paper in front of me. Not a single scratch, crease or dent. Perfection. The sunlight made it glow. To a bored mind, it’s an enchanting sight, a whole world of possibilities. To a frustrated one, it is an outrage.

Pens scattered all over my desk could testify to how frustrated I was. All of them having borne the brunt of my frustration as I mercilessly scattered them everywhere, not caring for the ink splattered on my walls, or the stains on my previously clean hands. The same hands gripped my hair in sheer frustration, tears threatening to form any minute now.

No amount of sighing and groaning was going to make words appear on that horrifyingly pristine page. My mind is as devoid of ideas, as the paper was of words.

I am blank.

Terrifyingly blank.

I sigh as I lay my head in my hands.

Why is writing so hard?

My phone buzzes next to my head. I take my head from in between my arms and stare at the screen. The notification might as well have stabbed my heart, it would’ve been less painful. I ignore the text, I‘ve got more important things to do.

The music dulls around me, vague memories and thoughts crowding my mind. The sound of my dog outside makes me smile a little. Another look at the blank sheet in front of me is enough for the smile to drop.

Where were my stories? Had they wandered off, bored of waiting around for me to write them? Had the heroes sighed in exasperation before walking away? Had the damsel saved herself, and the villain given up on taking over the world?

No amount of personification is going to change the overwhelming fact, I am blank.

Writer’s block galore.

My phone rings, making me jump. A hand on my chest to calm my heart is useless when I see who’s calling.

My finger slides across the screen,

“Hey,” I get up and walk away, “no, I wasn’t busy or anything.”
I glance at the blank paper, I guess I’ll have to be blank later.

The things I’ll never tell you

Now that we’re over, here are the things I’ll never tell you, or anyone else for that matter. 

1.My heart hurts now.
2.I can’t stop crying.
3.I’m not at all happy, I’m happy for you, but not in general.
4.Any tears I spill in front of you are real.
5.I won’t be able to stop myself from thinking about you.
6.Every time you say you don’t love me as much, my heart bleeds and my soul cracks.
7.I never wanted to let you go.
8.I cry, a lot.
9.Our song makes me cry more than smile.
10.Please don’t go. You promised to never leave, and you’re leaving.
11.I know you’re lying when you say you’ll miss me, but thank you anyway.
12.I love you, more than I’ll ever tell you.


I made the list. I wrote it all down, put it in an envelope and stared at it.

“Address it to him,” My best friend pipes up, from behind me.

All of this was her idea.

“Hey,” she lays a hand on my shoulder, “are you listening?”

I look up at her, she’s blurry.

“What do I do after that?” I ask, my voice cracking.

“You burn it,” She says with a smile,”burn it all away.”

I carefully write his name on the envelope. I brush away a tear, smudging the writing.

She hands me a matchbox.

The heat of the flame feels good, a weight is lifted off my shoulders, I feel better.

Not free, but better.


How are you supposed to write about someone you rely on so much, but can never tell?

How are you supposed to let that person know that they mean the world to you, when your word isn’t worth trusting?

How are you supposed to apologise to the person for all the disturbances, but nobody else gets you like they do?

And worst of all,

how do you react when they ask you to write about them knowing very well that you tore up everything you ever wrote?

Knowing, that you spent hours trying to perfect a letter for them, but could never get it perfect.

Knowing, that you spent ages staring teary eyed and overthinking before calling for help.

Knowing, that you spent nights staring at the ceiling wondering where everything changed.

I’ll tell you how.

You re-read the letter they wrote, and that one message they sent, and feel better.

You think of your best memory of them and smile.

You think of all that they’ve done for you, and you smile even wider.

You realise that people that affect you, like they do, don’t come about often, and don’t stay for too long.

The same way miracles don’t stay forever.

You thank the universe for the miracle, and finally write about them.


So, apparently everything I thought about taking a break was a lie and a disaster of a decision. It is hell to not write when there’s so much in my head. I apologize for the overreaction. The break wasn’t working out, so I will continue to post.

Keep the pain away

Keep the pain away.

Write the pain away.

Sing badly, and it’ll get scared away.

Dance equally badly, and the pain will run away because of the second-hand embarrassment.

Eat, and watch brilliant movie, it’ll be bored of being ignored.

Sit and do what you’re supposed to be doing, the pain will be offended that you’re giving in to it.

But in the depths of the night, when all the noise around is gone, and there’s only moonlight for company, it’s okay to let the pain near. Let it come near you, embrace it. The pain will fade away soon, so for these brief moments let it get into you. Let it tear you apart, rip every part of your soul and heart into shreds. Let the tears stream, and the screams out. Soak your pillow with tears, rip apart the pictures, and the letters. Let it all out.

Wake up the next morning, look into the mirror and smile at yourself, it’s a new day.

You’ve got to keep the pain away.


This is may be one of my last posts on this blog. I hope my writing has made someone smile, or entertained someone. I’m sorry if I’ve ever disappointed with my writing. I am not done with writing, however I am taking a small break. To find some more inspiration, to find a new muse, if you will. Till that day, goodbye.

An apology, and a note.

As the protagonist I am blind to my own faults, mistakes, and wrongdoings.

The story I tell will be devoid of any mistakes I have made, or faults I might have.

A negative outlook on oneself and heightened paranoia are the causes of this particular illness.

I will talk about my own heartbreak, but I will not talk about the way I lied about who I was talking too.

I will talk about the way I cried until I passed out, but will not mention the cutting words I screamed when my temper got the best of me.

I will talk about the way I have been rendered a mess, but will not mention the light I have taken from a person’s eyes as a result of my actions.

My story is one of hypocrisy and self pity.

I am my own enabler.

I am the cause of my own destruction.

I also talk about myself too much.