Don’t Catch Me

The sky was muted that day. A gentle breeze rose goosebumps on my naked body, and I simply smiled despite. The sun hid from me, peaking out from behind the clouds, illuminating a small strip of flesh before hiding away. I smiled wider at its childish behaviour.

The smile stayed as I padded across carpeted flooring, not caring that the windows to my balcony were wide open, the flimsy curtains billowing. The breeze felt good against my bare legs as I twirled and danced to the music I was playing in the background. I twirled with abandon, my voice as loud as the breeze was gentle and the coffee practically made itself. There was nobody to care when you were that high up. Living on the nineteenth floor had its perks.

The view was one of them. I leaned against the kitchen counter, naked hip digging into the kitchen counter as I watched the sun play its game. My windows were open, and the curtains billowing and I hadn’t particularly cared. It was a picture-perfect morning.

Too perfect as it turned out, the radio started malfunctioning, leaving the apartment in a deathly silence. It was unnerving. My phone continued to play the music instead.

Even breakfast came out perfectly. Everything cooked to perfection, another cup of coffee beside me. I decided to dine out on the balcony that morning, it was an urge I couldn’t resist. I walked over to my bedroom to pull on a shirt, while I loved being in the nude, exhibitionism wasn’t my cup of tea.

Hair loose, stomach filled, coffee cup warm in my hands I gazed at the view, content.

Just as my eyes were on the slip shut I heard something fall in the kitchen, a loud crash. I sat up startled, anxiety piling up inside me. I look inside and the mystery was solved, a poorly placed frying pan. My eyes still darted to the front door on the way back to my resting spot. All four bolts intact, I was safe.

My anxiety wasn’t quelled. Hadn’t I put away that frying pan? Hadn’t I changed the radio batteries the previous day? Hadn’t I locked my balcony doors the previous night cause it had gotten too cold?

I had taken to sleep to quell any and all doubts. I left the balcony doors open, took off my shirt and slipped under the sheets. The silk sheets felt divine against naked flesh. My eyes started shutting off their own accord. The view from my balcony was divine.

I woke to discomfort. I couldn’t move. Why couldn’t I move?
My eyes weren’t opening either.

What was that I could feel on my cheek?

Why was I in pain?

A low groan had left my throat, I couldn’t make any other noise.

“Good morning beautiful,”

My eyes shot open, heart rate rising, breaths becoming shallow.

I registered everything in a moment. My limbs were tied, the rope digging into my wrist. There was a gag in my mouth. There was a creature above and in me.

His face still gives me nightmares. Scars running across his face were deep and ugly. The wide smile on his face deepening the scars even more. What sealed the deal were his eyes, one milky, the other the colour of the sky. The same sky I had been admiring a while ago. Those eyes bore into me, staring straight into my soul, scarring it forever.

The more he thrust, the more unbearable the pain got. I could feel his touch all over me. Nails digging into my hips, another hand leaving bruises on skin everywhere. Tears pricked my eyes, and a low groan left my throat. My eyes would not shut, I did not want to see his face anymore.

“I love the sounds you make, darling,” another thrust. Another shallow breath, “ I’ve been waiting all night to hear them.”

I couldn’t understand what he was trying to say. All night?

“You looked so beautiful bathed in moonlight,” the pain was getting too much to handle.

He groaned low and long in my ear. His teeth sank into my shoulder as his nails sank further into the soft flesh of my hips.

A high pitched squeal was all I could manage.

He laughed lowly, as he looked at me once more. His face was blurred by tears, but I could feel his teeth sink into my lower lip.
I winced as he left me and simply watched as he dressed. I watched with fear coursing through me as he raked his terrifying eyes over my still exposed body. I watched helplessly as he crawled over me once more to whisper in my ear,

“I’ll be back for more, just look out the window.”

He slipped over the edge of my balcony, winking back at me before dipping out of sight.

My brother found me later that day, still gagged and bound. Blood was pooling between my legs and my eyes were wide open. He had held me against him as I tried not to scream in fear.

I scrubbed him from my skin for days after that. I left him in my old home, locking the balcony windows tight before running into my mother’s arms. I healed every wound and covered every scar.

However, I swear I saw him standing on our balcony this evening. My brother had told me I was seeing things as he cleaned the glass from where it had slipped from my hands. My eyes were fixed to the billowing curtains with the faint silhouette. My mother told me I was safe just ten minutes ago as she turned over and fell asleep. I wish she had been right.

I can see him watching me right now, as I write this. He is smiling. I wish he wouldn’t smile like that.

I hope he reads this.

I hope you read this, my nightmare.

I’m getting up, pen still scribbling against the paper. You look confused.

You should be.

You’ll never have me again. You’ve had me all this while, and I’m sick of it.

I hope I can take away everything you have ever wanted from you.

I’m going to start running towards you now,

let’s hope you don’t catch me.

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A Confession

“Officer, I need your help.”

“You have it,” he shuffled closer, leaned forward to turn on the recording device before a hand on his stopped him. It was just as quickly removed.

“Before you start the recording, I need you to know something,” she said eyes glassy and hard, “I need you to know that I refuse to repeat myself over again. I will tell you what happened one time, and you can do what you want with that information but I will tell you only once.”

He slowly nodded before reaching over to turn on the device. Nothing stopped him this time.

“So, tell me what happened.”

She took a deep breath before starting.

“He was the person that sold me cigarettes and food. He was the one that gave all of us a taste of home away from home, and we loved him for it. He knew our orders by heart, and he practically knew us too. We’d talk to him, share our alcohol with him, feel safe with him. We were all slightly homesick college students, and he made us feel a little better.” She had her nails digging into her palms. The officer said nothing.

“One particular day he lost it all. Burnt down, the whole establishment. Our second home was gone, but his whole life had just burnt to crisp. We were trying to make it better for him, paying off our debts, talking to him casually, trying to make him laugh. And a couple of days later I get a call from a friend. She’s asking me to come out, they’ve got wine and a few other things and he was there with his car and we were going to drink with him. It was five of us, so it shouldn’t have been a problem at all. Our only issue was how we were going to fit in his car.”

The officer noted her dry laughter. The tears had left black streaks down her face.

“We managed though, sat on each other’s laps, and drove to a nearby clearing and just sat there. We listened to him talk as we smoked and drank. We were all steadily getting drunker and it was quite obvious he was too. We laughed as we watched each other get drunk and I have to say it was on its way to being the best night of my life.

“Nobody could tell what was going to happen next, nobody. It was just me and another friend with him but the end of it. We were still smoking, there was time. I sat down in the passenger’s seat and lay back. He was in the driver’s seat and my friend was at the back. The car was dark and I was at peace. My mind was racing with weird, but welcome, thoughts. It was all fantasies and happy memories until I felt a hand on my thigh. It went away as quickly as it came, I thought I was hallucinating the whole thing. Then I felt it on my stomach. Under my zipped up jacket, and then under my shirt. It rested on bare skin and I tensed. It wasn’t leaving.”

The officer didn’t say a word as he heard her voice rise. She needed to vent, she needed to let it out. He wasn’t going to stop her, not now, not when she was finally getting it all out. He simply pushed a glass of water towards her. She didn’t notice it.

“I tensed up as it climbed up, and I put my hand out to stop it and pull it out of my shirt but one managed to get him to stop. I’ve never felt that weak in my life,” a drop of blood fell to the ground, neither of them noticed it, “and when I finally managed to get my voice out and protest quietly, he asked my friend to get out of the car for a minute. He had to talk to me he said, and she didn’t know any better so she got out. She hadn’t seen where his hands were. She hadn’t heard my silent protest.”

Her eyes were screwed shut now, and her nails digging into the table in front of her instead. The officer still didn’t move. He would wait until she could speak again. They had all the time in the world.

Her mascara ran down her face in bolder black streaks. Hands in her hair and makeup smudged she breathed deeply. She could do this, one last time and she could let it go forever.

“He pounced the minute the door shut. He was touching me everywhere and asking me to kiss him and all I could do was squirm and tense up and mutter weak protests.

“God, I have never felt so pathetic in my entire life. I went through all the usual things that get men to stop. I have a boyfriend, you’re not in your right senses, maybe tomorrow instead?”

The officer’s face didn’t change even though disgust coursed through his system. Since when did no, not suffice?

“He didn’t let up,” she continued, “he lay against me and continued to touch me and I could do nothing but plead and stare at the ceiling. Every move I had learnt, every instinct I possessed completely gone. I was prey, and I was being torn apart.”

Her voice was completely devoid of emotion now. Head still in her hands, she stayed silent for a while.

What was she thinking coming here with such a petty crime? It was probably nothing compared to the actual things these officers see. Murders, rapes, and she was sitting here complaining about some man touching her up? After she had willingly gotten into his car and drank as well?

“I’m even more of an idiot than I thought I originally was,” she laughed as she lifted her head up, “I’m sitting here complaining about such stupid shit while you probably have something much better to do.”

She stood up, dusted herself off and tried to fix herself.

“I’m so sorry officer, for wasting your time on something as petty as this.”

“It’s not petty-“

“Officer, please” she cut him off, “don’t try to convince me that my situation is just as important and traumatising as the woman who got raped or the child who was kidnapped. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me, I will always appreciate it immensely.”

With those final words, she walked out of that room.

What had she been thinking?

Forelsket

Forelsket (Norwegian): The indescribable euphoria experienced as one begins to fall in love

 

I have wanted love all my life.

At the age of five love came in the form of my parents. Love came in the form of my grandmother fussing over my hair. Love was my grandfather slipping me chocolates and coffee when he thought my mother wasn’t looking. Love was pure and innocent.

At the age twelve, love came in the form of dashing princes, valiant heroes who would rescue me from an ivory tower. Love was also the boy who laughed without a care in the world across the classroom. Love was still innocent and pure. Love was still a colourful, shiny feeling that had never hurt me. It was love, how could it?

At the age of fifteen, I had been burnt by love. Love had run away when he realised I loved him. But that hadn’t been love, I had assured myself. Love wasn’t cruel, I told myself at night.

At the age of sixteen, I thought I had found love. Love had come in the form of the boy who kissed me a little awkwardly for the first time. Love had been the way he remembered the little things. Love had been the way simple walks down a quiet road were magical. Love had been the way I could rely on him to stay after a fight. Love had been the way held me. Love was still pure, and innocent. Love was still the prince who had come to save me from the ivory tower, he just looked different.

At the age of seventeen, love left. I cried and screamed, but then I realised it was for the best. I also realised that love hadn’t really left. I realised that love still existed when my best friend hugged me a little tighter. I realised love had stuck around when my friends didn’t give up on me despite all my efforts to distance myself. I realised love had never left when my mother hugged me when she saw my red eyes after a night of crying.

I am still seventeen. Now, I know slightly better than to simply label infatuation as love. Now, I’m slightly hesitant to simply give myself up. But I would for you.

Euphoria

euphoria: a feeling of great happiness that usually lasts for a short time only
Inexplicable happiness is what you feel when your best friend tells you she loves you out of the blue. It’s what you feel when you watch your parents jokingly bicker on the best way to cook an egg. It’s what you feel when you laugh with your best friends around you. It’s the same feeling you get when you watch your puppy bark for the first time or watch your cat chase a light around the house. It’s the feeling you get when you watch your dad struggle not to tear up at seeing your college acceptance letter. It’s starting your day with a mother’s hug. It’s hushed, late night conversations. It’s the feeling you get when you’re in your lover’s arms and they tighten their grip on you. It’s a fast car on a good night. It’s him next to you, with his arm around you, in a fast car on a good night. It’s the nights spent dancing in your room. And it’s the dark silent nights that feel like time has stopped for a bit. It’s watching horror movies with your friends. It’s just being with your cousin. It’s having a nice picture taken of you. It’s taking a nice picture of yourself. It’s cold coffees on hot days and ice creams you shouldn’t be eating on cold nights. It’s in spending an afternoon alone, and nights walking with your favourite person. It’s kissing the stranger with the eyes like yours.
It’s in the little things.

Kalopsia

Kalopsia: The delusion of things being more beautiful than they actually are.

 

“He tastes new,” was all I could think as I was kissing him.

The way he kissed was so different from you, the way he held me so foreign, his hands on my skin so unexpected.

It was perfect. He tasted of alcohol one minute, I coughed out smoke the next. I kissed away the stray tears, that appeared at the guilt I felt, and I kissed away my worries. I kissed him under the flashing lights and for a moment everything was so unbelievably perfect.

He wasn’t you, and he can never hope to be you. He can’t have my heart the way you do. He can’t make my stomach turn like you do. He may have kissed me breathless, but he could never take away my breath away like you still can.

He was everything I needed as he looked straight into my eyes with such unadulterated lust that I forgot you for a minute. He caressed my hair, and gently stroked my face. His eyes as dark as mine, and with just as much feeling in them. With the music humming in my veins, I found a little relief in his arms.

He tasted of coffee, in the end, addictive and sweet. He was kind, muttering promises that he was going to break and sweet nothings that were empty. My heart pained for a minute at the thought of leaving him, but the next minute he was erased from my mind. Just like I need you to be.

You can call me anything you want to, you can insult me all you want, you can talk about me all you want. You can be hot and cold and accuse me of every crime in the book and I’d still never be able to be mad at you. No matter how perfect the guy in front of me is, my mind will forever be on you.

Because, he may have been perfect, but he wasn’t you.

Sceptical​

Sceptical – Not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations

 

Paranoia pours herself another drink as she listens to what Trust has to say,

“We should tell her what’s happened, share our feelings, it’ll help us feel better in the end.”

Paranoia scoffs, twisting with a swish of her pitch black coat. An eyebrow raised she simply rolled her eyes at Trust’s childishness.

“But will it help us?” Doubt enquires, retouching her blood red lipstick, “Paranoia, tell her it’s not safe,”

“It’s not safe, Trust,” her heels click as she walks over to the sofa, “What about the judgement? What if she decides to leave when she finds out? What if she thinks we’re being clingy and desperate for attention?”

“It’s not worth the heartbreak Trust,” Doubt adds, brushing back Trust’s hair.

“I agree,” Fear says, entering the room, “It’s best we keep to ourselves.”

“I disagree,” Fear jumps as Love pops up behind her choosing to glare at the blonde.

“You’re irrational and blind to any consequences,” Anger pipes up from the corner of the room, her hands continuing to glide along the keys of the piano,” Remember what happened the last time you made decisions around here?”

“Hey! How could she have seen any of that coming?” Trust says.

“Exactly what we’re trying to tell you both,” Paranoia says calmly, “We don’t want any repeats of last time, do we?”

Silence falls over the room while Paranoia takes a sip of her whisky.

“We love her, we trust her, why not tell her?” Love says softly, tears threatening to fall.

Fear sighs and pulls Love into her arms,

“Because we’re scared of what will happen.”

Love simply held onto Fear as tears fell.

“I guess you guys are right,” Trust says, looking over at Doubt and Paranoia, “Last time was a mess, maybe I shouldn’t be making these decisions.”

“Glad you could see that Trust,” Doubt says, laying a manicured hand on her shoulder. Her sharp nails digging into Trust’s shoulder. Paranoia and Fear sighed in relief.

Brushing off her hand, Trust walked out of that room, mumbling excuse me’s. She opened the double doors and walked out as Guilt walked in, glassy-eyed and eerily silent. Her grey gown brushing the floor as she took a seat in the middle of the room.

“Oh no,” Fear said, backing away from Guilt, terror evident in her kohl-rimmed eyes.

“We’re going to have to live with her now,” Love piped up, pouring herself a drink, “Guilt won’t leave until Trust comes back.”

“I guess we are,” Paranoia said gripping her glass a little tighter,”Better get yourself another drink.”

Jouska

Jouska: A hypothetical conversation you compulsively play out in your head.

 

A conversation.

“I love you.”

The most beautiful lie.

“Don’t lie to me.”

A tearful reply, too much emotion.

“I’m not lying.”

Acting comes naturally to some.

“That’s another lie.”

Still too much emotion.

“If that’s what you want to believe then fuck you. I’m done trying to convince you all the time.”

Anger also comes easily.

“Please don’t go.”

Oh fuck. I said that out loud.

Later that night a text message is received

A reply is sent.

Another text received. A goodbye. This time for real.

I sigh.

Here come the tears,

Then the screams.

Then the self-loathing.

Finally,

It ends the same way, in both reality and fantasy.

With a broken soul,

And a heavy heart.

Miracles

How are you supposed to write about someone you rely on so much, but can never tell?

How are you supposed to let that person know that they mean the world to you, when your word isn’t worth trusting?

How are you supposed to apologise to the person for all the disturbances, but nobody else gets you like they do?

And worst of all,

how do you react when they ask you to write about them knowing very well that you tore up everything you ever wrote?

Knowing, that you spent hours trying to perfect a letter for them, but could never get it perfect.

Knowing, that you spent ages staring teary eyed and overthinking before calling for help.

Knowing, that you spent nights staring at the ceiling wondering where everything changed.

I’ll tell you how.

You re-read the letter they wrote, and that one message they sent, and feel better.

You think of your best memory of them and smile.

You think of all that they’ve done for you, and you smile even wider.

You realise that people that affect you, like they do, don’t come about often, and don’t stay for too long.

The same way miracles don’t stay forever.

You thank the universe for the miracle, and finally write about them.

 

So, apparently everything I thought about taking a break was a lie and a disaster of a decision. It is hell to not write when there’s so much in my head. I apologize for the overreaction. The break wasn’t working out, so I will continue to post.